CRUMPETS

WHO NEEDS A BOYFRIEND WHEN ALL YOUR GAY FRIENDS HAVE BOYFRIENDS

2012-02-13T17:15:00.001+01:00

IN WHICH I THINK I AM AN ARTIST

2012-02-12T17:02:00.000+01:00

Last week I got a message on Facebook from a guy named Ludovico who is a fashion designer best known for his red hair who said he really likes my videos, that they're pretty "avant garde" and that he wants me to perform at his party. I told him I'm not a performance artist and he was like "yes you are" and I was like "like when" and he was like "like when you got kicked out of Plastic for stripping on stage" and I was like "well that's not a performance, that's my life." But I agreed to do it anyway and I asked Filip if he would do it with me because I guess we're like a "collective" or something I mean basically I don't even pee without him, anyway I guess people always see us destroying parties and getting thrown out of places and getting wasted together or whatever so I figured the best thing to do would be to dress hella conservatively and read everyone some books. We also brought cheeseburgers. Unfortunately there's no video ~that I know of~ but my friend Glauco took some pics:

I don't think people really understood the performance and by understood I mean liked and I'm pretty sure nobody will ever want us back again and it's probably because I should have listened to my Mom who said "if you really wanna surprise your audience, just don't get drunk for once, they won't be able to believe it."

THE TAMPON BEYOND

2012-02-08T22:37:00.001+01:00

I just got home after an exhausting day of crying over the death of the cat in "The Future" so tonight I don't have much time to do anything but plan my Downward Spiral Into Depression but I had to take a few minutes to tell yall that I FINALLY got Matthew Stone's "The Body Beyond" book in the mail and it only took like ten months thanks to the Italian Postal Service so here's me talking about it/showing pictures of my butt and here's the link to where yall can buy it!

SHIT UNEMPLOYED PUTAS SAY IN MILAN

2012-02-06T18:32:00.001+01:00

Yall I know I'm about a year late on this #trend but I just realized yesterday that nobody has done one of these videos on Milan so I guess I kind of had to only I didn't want to make it in Italian and could only base it on my experience with the Three People I Know Here so my cat and I are probably the only ones who will even find it funny.

THE SLUTTY GIRL WITH THE LIPS

2012-02-03T20:07:00.000+01:00

I guess I'd have more time to write if I didn't spend all day crying in the mirror trying to look like Lana Del Rey.

HOLIDAY IN SIBERIA

2012-01-31T14:44:00.002+01:00

It's cold in Milan.

And I refuse to let that affect me.

Snow means class is cancelled right?

PLASTICAT

2012-01-29T22:27:00.000+01:00

This week I've been kind of busy applying for this Residency thing I wanna do next year in Amsterdam AKA the Red Light District and they want me to send them a Powerpoint with my work and a DVD of videos and I'm like who uses POWERPOINT aside from students at Bocconi and people in 1995 so I'm just compiling a video with my best stuff aka that one time I got kicked out of Plastic for ruining a concert or whatever. PS- Mom don't watch this or at least if you do don't Skype me right afterwards because you might be mad.

WITH LOVE FROM MOSCOW

2012-01-28T18:56:00.001+01:00

The past few days have been ~SO DRAMATIC~ I broke another cell phone, professed my love for a boy (he bought me a brownie), decided I hate him (he pointed out my double chin), learned I'd be a good cat and decided that I'm moving to Russia.

And this pimple under my nose just keeps getting bigger don't act like yall don't see it I know you're judging me.

DECALPH

2012-01-26T02:18:00.000+01:00

Just trying to pass my exams while dealing with the drama of being held responsible for my roommate's poop.

"Il cafe e la cigarette fanno la cagata perfetta!"

MEGAUPLAID

2012-01-24T02:26:00.002+01:00

I know I said I wouldn't blog for a while via having to study but after Megaupload and Megavideo and basically all our social lives have been shut down I realized I must do what I can to Save The Internet. I still don't have much time to write but I always find at least a few minutes a day to talk to myself.

DANCECLAIMER

2012-01-19T17:03:00.000+01:00

So thanks to ~~slacking off~~ focusing too much on "work" the past few years I kind of forgot all about school till this week when I realized that in order to graduate on time I need be a Slave To My Studies and in effect spend less time on the internet. And that's not even the worst part, like, I can't go out so the only parties I'm attending are by myself in my bathroom. So I guess this is kind of ~Goodbye~ as I'll probably lose all my followers soon and end up crying under a bridge or something. Anyway just watch this on repeat when you miss me or whatever:

MEN'S FASHION WEAK 2012/// TRAGEDY STRIKES MILAN

2012-01-15T19:22:00.003+01:00

I can't really put into words how I feel about this Men's Fashion Week. To say I'm "disappointed" would be the biggest understatement since "Work It" was named World's Worst Show. I mean, you can basically only compare my situation to that of a starving puppy who usually only gets fed two weeks out of the year and that's basically all he lives for and this week when his food arrives it turns out to be really stale and stuck-up and bitchy and won't go home with him and even if it did there aren't even any taxis because the taxis are on strike and so when the he gives up someone just kicks him for the fun of it or whatever.

Anyway tonight is my ~Last Chance~ to redeem myself so if yall have any tips holla at me.

FIRST CLASS JERKS

2012-01-12T17:00:00.002+01:00

Being a ~Dirty Immigrant~ I've been flying since I was little and in doing so I've learned lots of things about airports and airplanes. Like how to un-pop your ears when the air pressure of flying makes your head feel like your stomach does when you have diarrhea, how to sit without crossing your legs to avoid getting a stroke, how to fall asleep next to a crying baby, which airports have the best bars and what type of business man there will most likely buy you drinks or whatever-but the most important thing I've learned is who to avoid, like talkers who don't let you read your US Weekly, first-timers who clap when the plane lands, anybody with children and most of all, the First Class Jerks.

You know those dudes who get to go through the lines faster, the ones who never have to get other people's sweat all over their luggage and the putas who actually look more rested after a 12 hour flight? The assholes who get to party in Exclusive Lounges and sip Prosecco in designer leather sofas and Jacuzzis while the rest of us have to trample all over each other like Black Friday at Wal-Mart? Well, after all these years my envy of Those People eventually turned into annoyance and that annoyance eventually turned into hatred and that hatred eventually turned into pity because it's hard not to feel sorry for someone that everyone despises, you know? Anyway, all this changed during my last trip to Milan.

While waiting for my flight from JFK to Malpensa I heard someone call me over the intercom. "Can Teee-yuh Haychik Vlahaowiefhawe come to the gate desk please?" Hoping security had found my lost Midol I ran up there immediately and said "I'm Teee-yuh Haychik Vlahaowiefhawe" and the lady was like "we have your seat" and I was like "I already have a seat" and she was like "well we've changed it" and I was like "YOU AREN'T PUTTING ME WITH THE DOGS AGAIN" and she was like "you're a Gold Medallion member, we've upgraded your ticket" and I was like "are you calling me fat" and she was like "YOU ARE A FREQUENT FLYER AND WE ARE REWARDING YOU DO YOU WANT YOUR TICKET OR NOT" so I was like "maybe" so she gave it to me and it said "9 D" which is in First Class.

After my initial shock of having an aisle AND window seat at the same time and having enough leg room to not rupture my uterus with my knees and being seated near people who smelled like something other than cheese and vaseline I was able to organize my thoughts and take a few pictures for yall:

First class is basically like a Dolce & Gabbana party because there's tons of free champagne, expensive water and gift bags full of exclusive things like toothpaste, lotion and socks. You get to see famous people from TV,

and eat chic inedible food while yelling across the room to people who are worth more than the country you're from.

Money may not buy happiness, but I guess it actually can.

FOLLOW THE CABBAGE

2012-01-09T05:10:00.002+01:00

Today was my last day with my Sister in DC before I go back to Milan and as much as I wanted to stay in and watch another Romantic Comedy Featuring Strong Female Lead with Her and Mom I realized I have to start studying if I wanna graduate before menopause so I told them I'm going out to "read" so Mom gave me her Debit Card so I could get coffee or whatever so I put the Debit Card in one of my books but at the cafe I finished my book so when I get back to my Sister's Apartment I left the book on her floor.

Later my Mom was like "lets go out" and I was like "cool let's do that" and she was like "you have my Debit Card, right" and I was like "Duh" so we walked for like an hour to get to this French Cafe which is like a million miles away from my Sister's Place and on the way there I noticed a bunch of purple cabbages so I was like "look, Mom what the hell" and she was like "whatever" (this is #foreshadowing or something just pay attention). Anyway at the cafe we got coffee and cakes and and some other stuff and a bill of fifty bucks so Mom was like "Tea, give me my card" and I was like "why" and she was like "because we have to pay" and I looked for it in my bag and couldn't find it so I was like "oh shit I don't have it" and she was like "why" and I was like "because I put it in my book and I left my book at Sister's Place" and so she was like "well don't you have your card" and I was like "duh, no, don't you have cash" and she was like "no" so it turned out we didn't have anything so I had to walk back to my Sister's Apartment alone while my Mom waited there so that we wouldn't get in trouble for leaving and because we couldn't call my Sister for help because she was asleep. So I headed out alone and obviously got lost after like 5 minutes because every inch of DC looks exactly the same and I'm really bad with numbered streets and I don't even have a phone or an iPod here so I had to ask some guys where the Hilton Hotel is because I remembered it being nearby but the guys were like "which hotel" and I was like "the Hilton" and they were like "there's more than one Hilton here" and I was like "the big one" and they were like "..." and I was like "you know near that hill near that really trendy area with gay people or whatever" and they walked away.

So I kept getting lost and I imagined my Mom having to wash dishes at that cafe to pay off our bill and meanwhile my Sister waking up alone and wondering why neither of us ever came home and me having to beg for change to use a Pay Phone to call for Help but nobody giving me any which leads to me stealing which leads to me going to jail which leads to me being friends with Lindsay Lohan which leads to me missing my flight. And when I almost started to cry I saw those f'ing cabbages I had seen with my Mom earlier and they were just across the street and for a second I thought to myself "wow everything's OK" and then I thought "actually maybe there are other cabbages in this city" but then I realized that sometimes you've just got to Follow Your Heart.

Needless to say we're home safely.

AM I AN ALCOHOLIC?

2012-01-06T23:08:00.003+01:00

Last night after three pitchers of Frozen Strawberry Margaritas and what I'm told was an exciting one-woman show featuring me rapping about my Reproductive Organs and offering to sell my Eggs to people and having my Own Mother tell me that maybe the reason why I don't have a boyfriend is because men are afraid I will destroy their life in a Fit of Alcoholic Rage, I had to ask myself some questions, like

1) What exactly was I rapping because it sounds cool,
2) Did anyone buy my eggs (should I set up a Pay Pal) and
3) AM I AN ALCOHOLIC?

In longing to learn more about my Condition I turned to the Web for advice-and found this website which promised to give me a diagnosis on my Relationship With Booze via this Alcoholic Screening Quiz. I took it and here's what happened:

Don't know how much more it can be ruined?

I mean I kind of always do. Is this a trick question?

Only when I'm too drunk to steal.

Define "inferior."

A ten pack a day is pretty efficient.

What's a job?

I'm only worried this quiz killing my buzz.

I gave up on that years ago.

Damn I thought I'd do better than 25% - guess I'd better study!

MY TEENAGE BEDROOM CONTINUED - LOVE LETTERS AND CATS

2012-01-05T04:43:00.002+01:00

Hey remember that time that Bear went through my old bedroom and found an envelope full of Letters and stuff? Well he finally convinced me to read them out loud and film my cat or whatever:

GROWN-UP PARTY: THE PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE TYRA BANKS POST

2012-01-03T01:14:00.002+01:00

This NYE my parents took me to a Grown-Up Party full of First Generation Immigrant Croatians who have Successful Second Generation Immigrant Children who are My Age but couldn't make it to the party because they have Real Jobs and Relationships. And I could make it but I had to leave early because you know what?

HOW DARE YOU.

HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN.

OR HOW LONG I'VE BEEN THERE.

HOW DARE YOU SIT ME AT THE CHILDREN'S TABLE.

HOW DARE YOU ASK ABOUT MY JOB.

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA WORK.

HOW DARE YOU ASK IF I MAKE ENOUGH MONEY.

I DON'T.

HOW DARE YOU NOT READ MY BLOG.

HOW DARE YOU ASK WHEN I GRADUATE.

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO GRADUATE.

HOW DARE YOUR KID TELL ME HER MATH TEACHER IS YOUNGER THAN ME.

EVEN IF SHE IS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

AND JUST WHO THE HELL DOES HER MATH TEACHER THINK SHE IS.

HOW DARE YOU IMPLY I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

I MEAN DO YOU WANT ME TO VOMIT ON YOUR COUCH OR SOMETHING.

DO YOU WANT ME TO BREAK ALL YOUR DISHES.

AND BLAH BLAH WHATEVER.

WHERE IS THE REST OF THE ALCOHOL.

NO THIS IS NOT TOO MUCH.

NO LIKE, I DRINK ALL THE TIME.

NO REALLY I DO.

YES WELL I'M REALLY BUSY OVER THERE.

YEAH I MEAN MY LIFE IS KIND OF HARD.

WHAT?

NO.

WHAT THE HELL IS GRADUATE SCHOOL.

WHERE'D YOU PUT MY DRINK.

HOW DARE YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M LEAVING.

BYE.

MY TEENAGE BEDROOM

2011-12-31T19:45:00.002+01:00

In addition to drinking with her Dad,

shopping with her Mom,

and gossiping with her Dogs,

I'm happy to say Tea's been pretty busy-moving into her Sister's Old Bedroom,

now that Hers has been taken.

Since moving to Milan Tea's Old Bedroom has been turned into a Pet Motel,

Laundromat

and Experimental Greenhouse.

And though I'm glad her pets and plants are enjoying this space I'd like to document some of the shit in here before it's ~Lost Forever~

Like Cult Invitations,

Marriage Proposals

And shit in her closet,

Including Myself.

Nice to meet you! My name is Sleepy and I was a Valentine's Day gift from Tea's First High School Boyfriend. It was rumored he bought me via stealing money from a Church and while I don't know about that I do know he was Hot and Dangerous and made Tea feel very special. In fact, their romance lasted almost a year until she moved on to his Best Friend. Anyway, I've been hanging out in Tea's room close to ten years now so I think I'm qualified to host a tour:

Here are Tea's old records! Pay attention kids, because before Tumblr this is what adolescents used to impress their stupid friends with and what they spent time on when depressed.

Tea found classical music especially helpful in End Of The World Situations such as her Mom catching her skipping school or her gaining two pounds or whatever. She used to spend a lot of time crying on the floor while holding me and listening to this and calling whoever she was in an abusive relationship with at the moment. Those were the best days of my life.

Tea's Comic Books.

As a kid she loved Archie,

and as a teenager she fell in love with a guy named Matt who used to work at Chapel Hill Comics who she'd visit every weekend, dressed age-inappropriate with money to burn, usually on Japanese Graphic Novels she'd have to read backwards and therefore never understood. I remember one day Tea was studying Chemistry in her room with me and Matt was hosting a College Radio show and dedicated a song to Tea. She cried tears of joy. Matt eventually got married and moved away but I've been guarding their memories since.

I'm not sure what this is but I'd like to think Tea stole it in a fit of Teenage Rebellion.

Please excuse me while I order us some Chinese Dumplings and Meth.

I'm opening Tea's ~Secret Drawer~

"Secret" because it holds Gang Memorabilia

and obvz tons of Love Letters From Boys (I'm convincing Tea to do a video post of her reading them all aloud so stay tuned for that).

Oh yeah also she used to collect Sugar Packets from Cafe's Around The World and by "around the world" I mean in Croatia.

Here's a picture from when Tea went to DC to protest the War In Iraq where she actually fell for a boy named Evan who she ended up dating for a few months (not pictured). Who's surprised that she's pigtailed and hugging two cops? Seems she hasn't changed much!

Here are some of Tea's Cds she left behind-I can really relate to The Distillers in that Brody and I are both misunderstood. I'm not a bitch I'm just strong!

"Alternative Girl Thrift Store Crap,"

and Tea's favorite book/movie/underwear combo.

Tea also used to do "Art," before she discovered Blogspot. It will not be missed.

I love reading Tea's old Diary. It's kind of like The Diary of Anne Frank meets War and Peace meets How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days-There's a lot of troubling stuff in here, not for the faint of heart.

Tea's favorite Punk Rock Box Set, a Sweet Sixteen gift from her Mom (Tea couldn't ask for a car, she didn't know how to drive),

and finally, her Third Grade Yearbook.

I didn't know Tea then but look how chic she was in her overalls and Anna Wintour haircut.

Lolz at Tea ripping out "Will Jordan," she must have been obsessed with him, whoever he is. The depressing thing is Tea still knows basically everyone in this picture: Grace Jones is now married (sorry gurl), Linda is ~~avoiding her~~ "Helping People" in Brooklyn, Robert works at a Mexican Restaurant nearby and Matthew See is probably smoking weed somewhere with his Mom.

And now I'm exhausted.

THE LAST NEW YEARS EVE

2011-12-26T03:31:00.000+01:00

The Apocalypse is just days away, Yall.
Here's what will happen:

BIRTHDAY BANNER

2011-12-25T04:37:00.000+01:00

I've just arrived in NC after a long series of flights either seated next to an annoying couple from Naples who kept asking me for food or a lady with a psychotic baby or a bald lesbian who bought me a brioche (which was actually pretty cute) and now I'm really busy petting my Cats but before I move onto my Dogs I just wanna show yall who made my New Banner! It was a birthday gift from a very lovely Marcos Mitchell , a London-Based-Fashion-School-Teenager who describes himself as "fashionsexual," whatever that means.

Anyway he's super adorable and extremely talented and yall should stalk him in London, or at least on Facebook, like I do.

Thanx babe <3

ALL BY MYSELF DON'T WANNA BE

2011-12-23T00:26:00.003+01:00

So now that my Putas left me to sit alone in the dark in my room and talk to myself and smell the sheets they slept on till I cry,

I have time to update yall on Last Night's Highly-Anticipated Finger Magazine Launch (Leaked) Party.

In preparation the girls wanted to make Penis-Shaped cookies,

but everyone knows Russians only cook potatoes and Koreans only eat raw squid so basically the peens turned into a big mush of burnt buttery crap which I ended up eating anyway:

We hosted the party at our favorite Dominican (Cuban? Mexican?) bar best known for impromptu stripping and the Kebaps next door.

I obviously forgot to bring my camera so I can't show yall any ~details~ till the paparazzi photos are published but I can say it was a Huge Success in that Yulia broke all the glasses, Sue fell asleep on the couch,

and I got rejected by everyone.

Regardless, the zine is totally Major thanks to help from Luca and of course our stunning Cover Boy aka Filip's Uncle-for now we only have ten copies so we're selling them for 50 Euros a piece.

"50 Euros?! Think of all the cheeseburgers you could buy for that money!"

I understand. But these are our Special Hanukkah Edition Issues. They're worth it.

Anyway tomorrow I'm off to America so I can't write much because I have tons of dirty clothes to pack for Mom to wash and I still need to watch this video Filip made of me at least another hundred times before I can start:

See yall in NC!

HEAVY METAL WEEKEND

2011-12-20T22:33:00.003+01:00

Here are some highlights, taken by Filip Adrian:

~~~*** RUSSIA + KOREA 4EVER ***~~~

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS ALL THIS SHIT I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY

2011-12-19T15:10:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow I'm turning 24 which means I'm almost turning 25 which means I'm almost turning 30 which means I'm hitting an Important Age which means yall should pay attention:

CRUMPETS 24th BIRTHDAY WISH LIST

THINGS I WANT THAT AREN'T ACTUAL THINGS YOU CAN BUY ME BUT PLEASE HELP ME SOMEHOW ANYWAY

1) YOUTH[FUL APPEARANCE]

No matter how much cream I use or how often I avoid sleeping face-down I just can't seem to stop getting wrinkles! I asked my Smoother Friends for advice but Filip just said "mayonnaise," Yulia suggested "vodka" and Sue was like, "when I lived in Korea I used to put Slug Slime on my face, which helped. But also my mom is a plastic surgeon and also I'm only 19." #shutup

2) FUN

Honestly I don't know why I even went back there after what happened last time.

3) A FUTURE

4) STYLE
My Professor/Thesis Advisor/Fashion Icon insisted I read "How To Have a Lifestyle" by Quentin Crisp so I asked my Mom to order it for me but she was just like, "don't you already have this?" And I was like, "no that was Breaking Dawn."

5) LOVE

6) A LIFE

I'VE HAD THE TIMELINE OF MY LIFE

2011-12-17T15:49:00.000+01:00

Um. Can we talk about this Timeline Business?

As much as I love the fact that my FB Profile now has a "Banner" meaning it can draw more attention to my personality/appearance/#swag, I'm not sure I like the fact that every embarrassing thing I've ever done/said/dated is now so easily reached!

At first I wanted to delete my entire history/memories/friends before everyone could get a chance to see I'm not as cool as I pretend to be and have had really bad haircuts or whatever-but I realized it's better to do what some people do when they fart in public, aka Draw More Attention To It In Hopes of Preventing Being Made Fun Of! So, yall, let's take a look at ~My Life~

I was born sometime before 2006, when Linda Li introduced me to Modern Society:

At this time I was living in Boone and attending Appalachian State University where I had roommates with which I shared my classes, life and drinking habits

until I found a Boyfriend:

Corbin and I had a passionate relationship which you can follow through both our timelines! See some highlights here:

The first time he asked me out:

The first time we had sex:

The first time we "fell in love":

The first time he met my Mom:

The fifth time we broke up:

Probably because a few months prior I had moved to Milan (oops)

where I met lots of inspiring people,

learned tons of important things,

and had fruitful experiences that opened my body and soul.

I met some Foreign Putas who left me for ~Better Things~

so for a while I chilled with #famouzpeople

and since then it's kind of been a blur.

And now I'm exhausted.

TALLAFORNIA

2011-12-14T17:16:00.002+01:00

Just as I was beginning to hope this year would be full of great illegally downloaded television shows, I realized that Two Broke Girls sucks without Chestnut,

New Girl's based on my life (what's the point)

and American Horror Story is completely unwatchable unless you're Jeffrey Dahmer (what's wrong with you people).

And considering I just finished the entire Strangers With Candy series I was almost convinced I'd have to suffer re-watching Sex and the City until I came across this gem:

It's like Jersey Shore meets America's Next Top Model, only it's set in Dublin, which I'm pretty sure my High School Geography teacher told me is in Romania but then again I was always too busy skipping class to "buy him coffee" (#MrCraig #ForeverYours). Anyway I wanted to find out more so I looked up "Tallafornia," to see if it's an actual thing or just something the show's creative director Heidi Klum decided would sound "spunky" or whatever:

Cool! Here's the First Episode : It starts as most Reality Shows do, via the Girls getting the Pink Room,

the Boys fisting each other

and everyone trying to "score."

Things quickly progress into slumber parties,

K-Holes,

eating disorders,

body dysmorphia

and homoerotic fun.

See yall next week!

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT THE INSIDE OF DOLCE AND GABBANA'S HAUS LOOKS LIKE?

2011-12-13T01:21:00.002+01:00

Neither have I. But I went to some "cocktail event" there tonight aka basically just spent 5 hours eating fried shrimp and knocking over wine glasses while trying to flirt with the waiters until eventually I got thrown out for dancing too hard or whatever. Anyway I just wanted to show yall their curtains.

LILO'S PRRRFECT PLAYBOY SHOOT! NEVER BEFORE SEEN! NSFW! XXX!

2011-12-09T22:11:00.001+01:00

Everyone's already seen the totally boring, heavily photoshopped Leaked Lilo Playboy Pics by now, right? But what about the originals? If not, today's your lucky day because I'm giving yall a lil[o] peek! #yourewelcome

IN WHICH I BLOG ABOUT MY PERIOD

2011-12-09T19:54:00.001+01:00

As much as I love being cliche and spending Friday Night alone in bed in my Mom's old sweatpants eating my roommate's chocolate and watching Dirty Dancing because I'm too weak to stand up because I feel like if I do all of Lady Gaga's background dancers will stab their way out of my Uterus, I kinda just wanna do this:

because today I spent 30 Euros on Painkillers and the Pharmacist told me what I got will make me feel better but I took ALL OF IT and it isn't working and I think that all women should just have unlimited prescriptions to morphine all the time.

But we don't because men basically run everything and spend millions of bucks on researching Penis Pills but they don't give a crap about our HURTING BLEEDING VAGINAS because they think it's just PMS making us crazy or something. But you know what?

This isn't about PMS! I love PMS! It gives me an excuse to eat mayonnaise with a spoon and cry to strangers on the street and make out with everyone and say things like "I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME" because that's basically how I feel all the time!

This isn't about emotions or hormones or chemicals-this isn't about "what's in my head"-this is about the fact that THERE IS NO MEDICINE FOR THIS KIND OF PAIN and that is UNACCEPTABLE and INJUST because that's why I'm home alone tonight instead of going out with my friend who invited me to hang out with "SOME LONDON DUDES."

So since the PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY ain't got my back I'm gonna have to do this myself.

CRUMPETS GUIDE TO ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE-THE PERIOD EDITION:

1) FISH PILLS
This site claims Omega 3 Fatty Acids help ease the pain but this site also defines menstrual cramps as a "DULL PAIN" in your abdomen instead of "LIFE ENDING LOWER BODY APOCALYPSE" so what do they know.

2) MILK
Really? I think I'm vomiting enough already, thanks.

3) SEX
First of all how DARE you remind me I'm single/desperate and secondly LOLZ at implying men are ever even willing to do that in the first place (you know who you are).

4) SOUP
Some Dude thinks his Traditional Chinese Soup will help me but I don't have any of those ingredients at home so I'll just try this Italian Bagged stuff instead because that's basically the same thing.

5) HEROIN
Anyone know anyone who delivers?

CRUMPETS- WHY DID GOD GIVE ME THIS NAIL BED (LEAKED)

2011-12-09T00:43:00.001+01:00

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown or maybe I'm just pregz.

HATEMAS

2011-12-08T16:54:00.001+01:00

Christmas has always annoyed me via it taking attention away from my birthday (#DECEMBER20 #NEVERFORGET). Jesus is just an attention starved Puta but I'm not gonna let him win! So here's my list of Christmas Gifts to get People You Hate because your ~loved ones~ will even love crap.

CRUMPETS CHRISTMAS HATEGIFTS 2021:

1) YOUR BOSS

Get that asshole a checkbook. You haven't been paid in months.

2) YOUR PROFESSOR

Show him you really appreciate his intellectual gifts.

3) THAT COUPLE

Speaking of babies, how annoying is it that everyone is knocked up this year? Thanx Beyonce. I found some birth control pills while cleaning my apartment last night so I guess one of my ex-roommates left them while moving out which was pretty chic of her. Anyway, nothing says "congratulations on your relationship" like "keep it in your pants." I kinda hope these are expired.

4) YOUR EX

Whatever you can do to remind him he was terrible in bed.

5) YOUR LANDLORD

Every time you call him to ask him to translate that gas bill from Italian to English or to ask him if the guys who are gonna fix your bidet are hot or if he wants to come over for dinner because all of your friends are on dates he pretends to not hear it or something. Now he won't have an excuse.

6) YOUR FRIEND'S KID

GLAMOUR TUTORIAL 2021

2011-12-06T15:04:00.001+01:00

All the time people ask me "WHAT'S YOUR SECRET TEA? HOW DO YOU LOOK SO NATURALLY LOVELY?"

SEXT BFS

2011-12-05T13:27:00.001+01:00

Hey yall! The new Wired Italia is out and this month's the ~APOCALYPSE ISSUE~

I like this one a lot because the letters are pink and because it has Cosmo-Style Horoscopes in the back predicting all of next year! Mine basically says I will never finish school but that's probably just cuz we're all gonna die next month. Anyway, here's the English Version of my Article. I wrote about Online Boyfriends:

Single since three years, it’s hard to believe now I’ve ever hadBoyfriends. Boyfriends, who knew my name, kissed me after blowjobs and saw myface without makeup. Boyfriends, who made me dinner and went on Tampon Runs. Boyfriends,who prevented me from screwing other people. Nothing’s worse than your Boyfriend texting you when you’re tryingto flirt with a stranger. In fact, I think the #1 rule of Boyfriends should be No Cell Phone Use. Which is why I don’t understand TextBoyfriend.Com-a site offering VirtualBoyfriends to send “sweet texts” aka annoy the shit out of you: “Never bewithout attention/TextBoyfriend texts you three times a week/Your friends will bejealous!” Really? Your friends will envy worthless affection? That you pay for? You may as well start buyingyourself dying roses and tickets to football games. Fake Girlfriends are just as sad, but at least they are for free. FakeGirlfriend.Co is SMS-based, while CloudGirlfriend.Com creates false relationships with “real girls” via Facebook, promising to attract more: “Thebest way to get a girlfriend is to already have one.” This is actually true. I’msurprised there’s no FakeWife.Com, because lately I crave married men. Artificial Relationships are weird and unnecessary, if you askme, but if you ask me, so is childbirth. That being said, there are perks: FakeGirlfriend can’t catch you cheating, CloudGirlfriend will never fake orgasms and when you want to leaveyour TextBoyfriend, all you do is write him “STOP.”

DIY XMAS PART TWO: STARS AND KNIVES

2011-12-02T15:08:00.001+01:00

For this edition of DIY XMAS I'll be making a gift for Daytona.

Daytona lives on a Farm now which means that when he's not busy crying or stalking people with ~Real Lives~ on Facebook he's preparing tons of food for his Farm Animal Friends. I wanna make his life a little easier so I'm going to customize an Animal Farm Cheese Grater for him, and add some stars in honor of this season's Dolce&Gabbana! Let's get started-Here's what you'll need:

1) Cheese Grater (1.50 Euro)

2) Star Stickers (1.50 Euro)

3) Pink Stencil (1.00 Euro)

4) Black Paint Pen (Free)

So first we star the shit outa that bitch! Make sure to also cover the parts where cheese and meat is supposed to come out of.

Next we are going to try to use the Stencil to write "Daytona" on the Grater and realize the letters are too big for it and that the paint slides off the metal

so then we're gonna have a psychotic breakdown via Marry The Night only instead of getting famous from it we're just gonna get our shit together and find a piece of paper and decide to use the Stencil to make a DIY XMAS CARD instead.

Merry XMAS Daytona!

MARRY THE CATFIGHT

2011-12-02T00:20:00.001+01:00

So I've been waiting anxiously for the new Gaga Video all day

and when I saw it I actually cried-not because it "moved" me or "inspired" me or even made me jealous-just because she just can't seem to stop stealing my shit!

She took all my Friends,

My Eating Disorders,

My Beauty Regimen,

My Wardrobe,

My Dance Moves

and even my Love Life!

What's next, Gaga? My boyfriend?

Oh.

DIY HAIRCUT

2011-12-01T22:48:00.001+01:00

Last week one of my friends told me that one of his friends asked him why "that Tea Crumpets girl pretends to be poor" and at first I was like "who is she talking about" and then I was like "whatever." Anyway I hope she sees this.

DIY XMAS PART ONE: THE JEWISH PANDA

2011-12-01T15:41:00.001+01:00

It's the First Day Of December and yall know what that means! Time to send in more invoices that will never get answered, time to start wearing socks with your sandals and most importantly time to start thinking about what to get me for my Birthday! (December 20th #neverforget ask for my shipping address via teahacic@gmail.com). It also means I'm starting to think of what I'm gonna get my ~Friends~ for the Holidays, and in light of my Current Unemployment I've decided to go DIY-think Martha Stewart meets Strangers With Candy. I'll be doing several of these DIY XMAS Posts so start taking notes-Part One Starts With Yulia:

Yulia's Facebook Picture has a bear head in it so I figured I should get her something involving a Panda (Pandas are chicer than Grizzlies because they're Asian). I found this Panda Eraser for 50 cents which I think was pretty lucky because who even uses erasers anymore? It's basically vintage and on the back it says "Designed By Korea," who, if I remember correctly, just graduated from Marangoni and now works for Lagerfeld.

Yulia also enjoys painting her nails so I got two new Nail Polishes for 2 Euros Each, which I'll use to make my gift (Yulia won't get to actually keep them).

Have yall heard of this "Catherine Arley" brand? I think it was exclusively sold at La Rinascente for a while so again, this is a lucky find.

We're starting this process via something I learned on Nip/Tuck aka taking his face off (don't worry yall it pops right back in). This way I'll be able to embellish the eyes/ears without ruining his complexion!

Next we'll be painting Panda's Body with the Pearl Pink Polish to give him a sexy shine. (Be sure to do this on your laptop so you ruin it because nothing says "I love you" like "this is all your fault and you owe me a thousand bucks").

Finally, customize Panda with a "Y" for ~~her name~~ "Yves Saint Laurent."

Merry Christmas, Yulia. Anyway you're Jewish so Who Cares.

CRUMPETS COOKING

2011-11-29T00:01:00.001+01:00

I don't talk much about food here because I've had basically every type of Eating Disorder in history ranging from Anorexia to Pseudo Bulimia to Looking At Magazine Pictures Of Food While Chewing Sugar Free Gum-but recently I've been trying to be "healthy" via wanting to live long enough to at least see my Dogs grow up to get married and have children or whatever so I've been trying to cook lately which has been easier than I thought because I kind of have always ~~hated~~ loved Rachael Ray anyway.

CRUMPETS COOKING GUIDE 2021

1) Breakfast
So I feel like I've been craving chocolate more than usual lately, probably because I'm getting my period more than usual lately, probably because my body is trying to remind me of how much sex I'm not having lately? Anyway, mix these two together for a Wholesome Breakfast (use chocolate powder instead of milk because everyone knows dairy makes you fat).

2) Lunch
I've been kind of obsessed with soup lately mostly because it comes from a bag but also because it's hot and makes you poop a lot. This is my favorite one because it's creamy and therefore reminds me of Starbucks Cappuccinos. Just mix this with water or chocolate powder for like ten minutes and you've got yourself a meal! (It says three servings for one bag but just ignore that).

3) Dinner
Italians eat a lot of pasta which I guess is ok because Disney made it romantic but honestly I can't ever wait long enough for water to boil so I usually end up just putting the stuff in like semi-warm water and waiting overnight for it to "cook" which usually results in a bunch of cold wormy white things I end up flushing down the toilet. So actually I just eat spaghetti raw most of the time, dipped in olive oil when I'm feeling fancy.

4) Dessert
There's no Little Debbie in Milan but I think I've found the Next Best Thing.

SAVE PUEBLO

2011-11-27T13:17:00.001+01:00

It's a tough world that we live in today-full of heartbreak and loneliness, loss and humiliation, depression and drunk texts. But lets try to ignore that today because today I have a heartwarming story about a Boy, his Farm Animal Friend and the Power Of Facebook.

It all started about a week ago-just as I was trying on my new Versace for H&M by Natasha Slater dress I got this wall post describing a new Friend Named Pueblo who Daytona has gotten close to while living on a farm in Canada to research new types of wool for Alexander McQueen:

I was ~~jealous of~~ happy for Daytona and his new BF-until things turned sour.

So we dealt with this the best way we could-with Photoshop Art (don't know what's 911 in Canada anyway pretty sure they don't have phones).

Basically.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And speaking of desperate, after my twentieth night in a row coming home crawling after "one glass of wine" last night I turn on my computer to keep my hands away from my phone and just when I start Google Searching "Strangers With Candy Winona Ryder Episode Free Streaming" I see this:

Are you crying yet?

thanx for nothing

2011-11-25T01:15:00.001+01:00

I don't know about yall but I'm thankful for Filip making Indonesian Instant Bagged rice, Alex for bringing the boxed wine Filip had brought him last Friday and most of all for my Dad calling me and interrupting Will and Grace.

Plastic, Not Fantastic

2011-11-24T09:55:00.001+01:00

For about two years I lived in a small apartment in a random area in Milan with only old people and horses and it was so far away from my school and job(s) that it basically took me all day to get anywhere so I usually slept at other people's houses and spent all my money on taxis-but I stayed at that apartment for as long as I could because it was walking distance from Plastic. (My American Readers [Mom] don't understand this but my GaySalvadorians did).

Close to a Chinese bar, with toilets made of drugs and drinks that send people to hospitals, Plastic was the one place I could rely on to get me Snooki'd and serve as a black hole for all my belongings. Also I usually Got Lucky there-check out that fresh hickey on my neck:

Plastic even taught me about Fashion.

So what's all this about? :

I won't get into details because it's Thanksgiving and I need to hurry up and get started on my pumpkin fries and fried turkey face and taco pizza cheeseballs but I will say this: What's the point of going to a concert if you're just gonna stand there I mean then you may as well just sit in front of a computer and watch youtube videos because at least that way you won't get in the way of the ~Mermaid Girl~

trying to dance on stage

and kiss the the cattivi bodyguards who just kicked her out for the third time

and maybe then you won't get in the way of her yelling at that girl who keeps punching her in the face and calling her a puttana

and maybe then you won't get your foot accidentally stepped on by her Kate Moss For Topshop By Marcelo Burlon Heels.

ratzgiving

2011-11-22T14:54:00.001+01:00

It's a Beautiful Friday Morning in the Early 90's in a Preschool in North Carolina where the Teacher asks the Children to draw what they had eaten for dinner last night. So the [adorable, brilliant] little Immigrant named Tea draws a delicious Pizza.

And the Teacher's upset.

"A Pizza?"

"Da."

"For Thanskgiving?"

"Da!"

"..."

"Sta je TankZiving?"

After getting sent to Time-Out for Anti-Patriotic-Pizza-Propaganda Tea and her Family decide they don't want to get deported so they start celebrating ~This American Holiday~ with another bunch of Croatians who don't eat Turkey or watch Football or talk about Pilgrims but do have tons of Rakija so meeting with them becomes Tea's Thanksgiving Tradition.

Until she moves to Milan.

Tea's first Milanese Thanksgiving is spent with a bunch of American Students who "miss home" and decide to each make One Thanksgiving Dish for each other-so Tea bakes them Vodka Pie and everyone else cooks Fried Chicken.

The following year Those Americans leave so Tea spends Thanksgiving with an Italian Boyfriend who wants to come over to "make dinner" so he tells her to "have ingredients ready at home." Being an Obedient Girlfriend Tea buys a box of spaghetti and tomato sauce thinking he'll be impressed but he actually just yells at her and tells her she's not a "real woman" and that if she want to date Italian Boys she needs to always have [a long list of things Tea's forgotten because she wasn't paying attention] in her kitchen. They break up soon after because his Buddhist Maestro tells him that Tea's a bad influence or something which is actually OK because she was starting to like her other secret boyfriend more anyway.

The next Thanksgiving Tea "DJ's" at a Swinger's Club with a bunch of hot weirdos and pervs and ends up sleeping over at a guy's place without "doing anything" because though she actually kinda used to have a big crush on him she also became good friends with his ex-girlfriend so it was complicated, blah blah blah.

ANYWAY. The point is this Thursday is Thanksgiving again and Tea is tired of it being crappy/random and writing in third person and wants this year to Do It Right so she's asking yall for suggestions that don't involve her cooking eating or sitting at a table or being broken up with? What do yall think.

BREAKING DAYTONA BEST SCENE

2011-11-22T14:19:00.001+01:00

Finally! The highly anticipated screenshots of the ~~Most Anticipated Scene~~ from Twilight's Breaking Dawn, taken by Filip's Polish Beer Covered Fingers last night-Enjoy!

Breaking Daytona

2011-11-21T23:33:00.001+01:00

After having Some Guy tell me I have ugly hands and can't write I decided the only thing I can post next is a Review on something someone else has done because my ideas suck. So obviously I chose to write about Breaking Dawn. Filip and I found it on streaming tonight and were so excited when the opening credits started that we basically held each other and cried for like fifteen minutes-until we realized that it's terrible. Bella doesn't wear any nail polish to her own wedding,

she ruins her Dior for H&M dress in the grass, the sex scene only lasts for like five seconds and you don't even see Edward's ass! So we kind of just stopped watching and cooked a weird Polish Dinner instead.

After we wanted to watch My Name Is Earl but Megavideo said we exceeded our limit so out of desperation we just made Daytona write stories for us and they're actually better than any movie out right now so consider yourselves lucky:

anonymaybz

2011-11-19T13:12:00.001+01:00

So today someone left me this comment on "Macbook Boyfriend" and I have some things to say about it like what language is this even in?

NEW BBANNER!!!

2011-11-18T15:13:00.001+01:00

Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian

Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski Filip Adrian Dziegielewski BANNER THANKS TO

NOBODY WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW THAT YOU AREN'T BLONDE ANYMORE

2011-11-18T05:28:00.001+01:00

PS- Can yall PLEASE help me with my banner? Like can somebody just do it for me and send it to me? I've given up, my Mom says this new one just looks like a snake.

Macbook Boyfriend

2011-11-16T17:51:00.001+01:00

So having pretty much given up on ever fixing my Mac I've decided to at least put it to use.

Here's how:

1) Coaster

2) Dinner Table

3) Cutting Board

4) Frisbee

5) Exercise

6) Hat

7) Nail File

8) Sandwich

9) Pillow

10) Boyfriend

MAIL ORDER CATS

2011-11-16T14:35:00.001+01:00

Welcome To Hairy Pussy

The World's Finest Mail-Order-Cats

"Hairy Pussy provides the softest, warmest, most loving Mail Order Cat Brides in the world. I found my Romanian Cat Bride through their site four years ago and she has already given me twenty five babies. We are very deeply in love and I couldn't be happier. I recommend this site to any Western Man who wants tails, love and kindness." - James Brown, 45, Insurance Salesman, TX

Is your best friend married to a Ukrainian or Russian Cat already? Are you jealous? Do you long for Slavic femininity and extreme devotion to love making and children? What about Thai Cats, with their cheerful submission and flexible limbs? Or do you prefer a Lithuanian beauty? You can find them all here-our Mail Order Bride Cats are waiting to meet a Western Man like you. All you need to do is sign up and see the free profiles and databases of our Brides. We provide the exceptional service for men. The Foreign Grooms easily send relationship and marriage proposals immediately. Hairy Pussy Agency features single and beautiful mail order brides from the poorest countries, desperate for friendship, love and marriage. If you are a single groom, and you are serious about getting married to a beautiful Cat Bride then look no further! We look forward to seeing you here. Meow!

Dance Dance Resolution

2011-11-15T18:22:00.001+01:00

When I was a Freshman in High School I fell in love with a shy boy with long shiny hair and fair features who looked like an Elf from Lord of the Rings. His name was Lat and he was a Genius but he didn't know how to "act cool" and didn't play sports and didn't try to hit on me so obviously I had to have him. I began sitting at his Lunch Table in the cafeteria where him and his friends would play with Cards and talk about Dungeons and Dragons and after a few weeks of pretending to be interested in it they invited me over to play. My Mom dropped me off early one Saturday Morning so he could "teach me the rules of the game before his friends come over" which I obviously thought meant "make out in his basement" but when I showed up he actually did spend like four hours explaining the rules of Dungeons and Dragons and why it's better to be a Troll than an Elf even though they're uglier or whatever and I was too busy staring at his perfect pale face to pay attention and he was too busy trying to make me pay attention to notice my panty-sized shorts. The situation was obviously hopeless but I was persistent and went to his house every Saturday for a few months and even tried to actually play until I realized that Lat would never love me (or be my Dungeon Master) so I kind of stopped talking to him and started dating punk boys and being "edgy" again and kind of forgot all about my Geek Past-until this weekend in Paris. Like, I won't blame not blogging on having no internet because we all know iPads are really easy to steal so the truth is I just haven't felt like it cuz I've been too busy w/DDR.

Arcades are really cool, guys. Like, hot boys go there, the food is delicious and the music is usually great. Plus you don't have to name drop to get in or fear Riccardo Tisci following you into the toilet or Anna Dello Russo stealing your coat or whatever.

the persuit of happ[athetic]yness

2011-11-10T13:42:00.004+01:00

Last night after having the best time evz watching Sealab, drinking Tavernello and sexting at Pravda with Filip

I came home happy-only to have my Flatmate ruin my mood. He was watching "Friends With Benefits" in the kitchen so I was just kinda sitting there trying to figure out if Justin Timberlake has a butt-double when he started Sharing his Wisdom with me.

I guess he brought up "Relationships" because of the movie and I don't really remember how but eventually we started talking about The Future and Happiness and the Purpose of Life aka he was saying I've gotta have kids. As usual I was like "babies are gross" and he was like "you won't think they're gross if they're made from You and Your Husband" and I was like "what's the point of a husband when you can have slaves."

But he didn't get it so he told me George Clooney is sad because he's single. I told him Clooney is sad because he's In The Closet. He told me that life is pointless without a family. I told him my shoez is my family. So he then started showing me pictures of Middle-Aged Playboys he says are "depressed."

"I mean, he looks happy to me."
"He has nothing in life but cars!"
"Great cars."
"He has no love!"

"But he loves his cars."

"He has no relationships."

"That's like a relationship."

"Tea, he will die alone."

"What if he wants to."

"Nobody wants to."

"Cats?"

He also told me that I won't find a boyfriend until I "calm down" and I was like "what does that mean."

Honestly, guys, I do feel sad when I see Pregnant Women-I feel sad for them. And when people get married I do cry-because their lives are OVER. Anyway in honor of my Roommie I'm listing some Things That Will Make Alone People Happier Than People With Other People And Love Because People With Other People And Love Will Have No More Time To Enjoy Anything Anymore And Will Therefore Be Totally Jealous:

THE CRUMPETS #FOREVERALONE GUIDE 2021:

1) RECREATION

Once I lived with a boyfriend for almost a year and he never let me watch Project Runway because that meant we'd miss Cash Cab which is basically the most depressing show ever. So obviously I had to leave him. (PS-Television will never wake up in the morning and say it doesn't love you).

2) FOOD
Who said "Family" needs to be human?

3) FRIENDS
Living alone means there's plenty of space for parties with your BFF!

4) MUSIC
If having kids means listening to songs that aren't about being a hooker then really what's the point.

5) FREEDOM

96 tears in 96 eyes

2011-11-08T15:30:00.003+01:00

So in my life there's kind of this rule that when something sucks it has to suck so bad Dr. Phil is notified, Oprah schedules an 2-hour Special and eventually Lifetime Network makes an Original Movie about it. Because guys, when I broke my computer I also lost all my music.

"What, Tea, three Lady Gaga songs?"

"NO, GUYS! Three Lady Gaga ALBUMS!"

"LOL"

Yeah haha no but seriously yall I actually do have good taste in music. Like, good taste! I used to be Punk! The Clash was too mainstream for me! Minor Threat was too melodic! And Fugazi may as well have been the stepbrother of Bruno Marz.

I used to be LEGIT, guys. I didn't even know what Chanel was. I didn't use the word "chic." I spent all my money on Vinyl, my time with Boys In Bands and every night I dreamed of growng up to be the Taller Poly Styrene.

I mean, I'd show you pics of what I used to look like but I was so punk I didn't own a camera (duh) but if there had been Tumblr back then I would have totally gotten thousands of notes on just how CrAAzY my outfits were.

But why am I even telling yall? That's all over now and now I've lost thousands of well-researched, much-loved, overplayed anthems Of My Youth all taken by one spilt cup of Cafe Americano at a shitty Milanese "bakery."

Anyway, I remembered all my Original Albums and Files are somewhere in my bedroom in America but my bedroom in America has been taken over by my dogs and cats since I've been gone so basically they're Ancient History. Just as I was about to call the suicide hotline my friend showed me how to download music for free (yeah I'm just learning this now suck it guys) and though in theory it helps, by the time I download all my stuff back I'll already have had ten facelifts or something so what's the point. So I have a new plan: Each week I'll download seven songs I'll just play on repeat till the next week when I'll delete what I had and get new ones etc etc etc. That way I never get too sick of, or too attached to, anything ever again. Cuz besides, PUnx DeAd.

NOVEMBER 8TH-[7 DAYS FROM NOW] PLAYLIST 2011:

1) MUNY BY NICKI MINAJ
Honestly probably the best song ever written. At one point notes having a Gucci Bag just for Coke Cans? Glad someone finally put an end to giving out presh drugs in plastic baggies that always end up spilling all over the toilet or whatever.

2) MALJCIKI BY IDOLI
One of my co-workers said this weekend that "Geography is just an opinion." I agree, but I think it's important for me to stay in touch with my Yugoslavian Roots.

3) SEALAB 2021 THEME
Now that I don't have music or internet at home (yeah kill me) I've been watching my old DVDs, one of which is obvz SEALAB 2021. Like, today I watched the episode where the captain buys a bunch of squishy white little pets from some Asian lady and they fart a lot and eventually take over his brain or something?

4) WILD WILD WEST BY WILL SMITH
I mean who isn't still obsessed with him.

5) THAT SONG FROM GHOST WORLD
I know it's totally cliche now but back when I was fifteen this kind of changed my life for a whole weekend.

6) THIS

7) IT WASN'T ME BY SHAGGY
Actually Nicki sorry this is the best song ever written.

BOYMATES

2011-11-05T18:40:00.002+01:00

I've had some interesting roommates in the pastfive years I’ve been living “away from home.” Ranging from Hyper Hippies toLovely Lesbians, Bookish Blondes to Psychotic Parisians-the girls I've livedwith have all been exciting-but I’m ready to room with boys. This pastyear I’ve been barely surviving in Roommate Hell. I basically preferred sleeping on the streets to coming home and spent all my money at California Bakery just so I wouldn't have to use the kitchen which was not only infected and moldy but also probably cursed.

Luckily those girls were recently replaced by two Ragazzi Italiani- and I honestly couldn’t be happier! Here’s why:

BOYMATES PERKS 2020

1) SECURITY

In addition to knowing my roommates will "picchiare" burglars/murderers/zombies for me (duh, I’m the onewith the manicure) and check if there’s ghosts under my bed or whatever, it'salso reassuring to not have to worry about anybody stealing my shit! Do youknow what it’s like to live in FEAR of someone “borrowing” your clothes, using your makeup, taking your tampons and wearing your shoes? I'll tell you: horrible. (Inmy ex-roommates’ defense, only one girl has done this but it was enough to basically ruin my life). Well I’ll never have to worry again-becausethe boys I’m living with are Very Heterosexual-so even if they were to use my Girly Shit they’d at least make a point of putting it back and hiding all evidence.

2) SAVINGS

I’ll never have to shop again! For food, at least.From what I’ve seen, boys generally just buy huge bags of anything they canfind-bread, meat, pasta, salami, butter, meat, mayonnaise, meat, chocolate, bacon, cookies, meat, whatever-andthey never manage to eat all of it so I basically get what’s left.

3) FUN

4) FLATTERY

Though it’s kind of annoying I now can never again walk around the house in sweatpants (I don’t own sweatpants) or without makeup on (I don’t wear makeup I was Born This Way) at least I’ll sometimes get compliments/see boners when I’m cleaning up after them in lingerie? #badfeminist

Love Mattress

2011-11-04T16:55:00.005+01:00

Every time a new WIRED comes out I'm kind of shocked that I'm inside it. I mean, am I really writing for a Real Magazine? I honestly just feel like a fraud- and fear soon the editor will feel that way, too (#LOVEYOUCARLO). Which is why I'm trying to ~~brag about~~ promote this as much as possible, while I still can. (So glad they put my Boyfriend on the cover).

Anyway, remember when Filip and I went to Torino for a photoshoot? Well basically it was because I had to "test" a new "Love Mattress" at some super trashy themed hotel in Torino and take pictures on it in my fur coats and undies aka it was probably the best day of my life. Here's one of the pages from the article, and below is the English text. Hope yall like it!

“An innovative andunique invention” is the description on its site. Made in Italy, the ‘LoveMattress’ sells for 1.670,00 Euros on Ebay and promises to ”make love morecomfortable and pleasant.” How much more pleasant? The guys at Wired letme find out-and I was excited, expecting latex sheets, built-in cameras and sextoys, pillows with chains and remote-controlled vibrations. So you canimagine my dismay to find a basic Ikea-style model with just three straps offabric and an ambiguous, awkwardly positioned “hole.” At first I assumedthe straps at the top are for bondage, but when I felt the cheap, weak fabric,I realized even the lightest S&M session would break them-the only way thisidea could work would be if they were made from silk or leather. Further, Iguessed that the “hole” serves as a place to put your knees when givinghead, your arms for doggy-style, or someone's face when punishing them or whatever. When "trying" these positions out, however, they just didn’twork. Confused, I had to check the site again to find instructions. And I did- along tacky, 80s style photos is written: “the woman can grab the handles,” andthe “man’s legs in the hole.” I realized this mattress is not for kinky,experimental lovers but for a classic, heterosexualcouple, having missionary-style sex. Um, what’s innovative aboutthat? How much easier can missionary get? Do we really need more “inventions”encouraging a boring Love Life? Maybe I’m being toonegative. I’m sure some couples enjoy this mattress-perhaps those who screw in the name of Jesus or only for the sake of childbirth. In fact, that’s abetter idea: Children should use this bed. The hole works perfectly as a placeto put snacks and drinks while watching Saturday Cartoons! One positive thing Ican say is the name ‘Love Mattress' is appropriate. Just like love, it’s full of high expectations, tons of potential and ultimately, disappointment.

Meanwhile, in Russia

2011-11-03T14:18:00.004+01:00

I'm currently in a crisis of deciding where I should move when I finish school. Because London is expensive, New York is cliche and LA is too tan. So I'm stuck between Tokyo and Moscow. I think I'd fit in well in Tokyo because I love Lost in Translation and wear lots of eyeliner in a way I think resembles the way Hollywood portrays "Geishas." But then I'm totally obsessed with Russia[ns].

For years I've been just dreaming of meeting a сексуальный мужчина called "Vladimir" who will introduce me to Naomi Campbell, teach me how to play Chess and take me shopping for fur, illegal weapons, blood diamonds and caviar. Honestly, I even try to be Russian here-my favorite bar in Milan is called PRAVDA, and now, so is my News.

I mostly ignore any "current events" that don't involve Lindsay Lohan's criminal record and think newspapers only serve as a way for Grown Ups to cover their faces when crying so their children don't have to see. So the "News" is something I avoid. However, this Russian Site is actually fantastic-this shit is legit. Like, Italians are always complaining about "La Crisi" but they don't even know what a real crisis is:

Can you imagine? That's basically like losing your family. And speaking of Family, yall better get used to your Daughters and Sisters fighting yall's fights (and dancing and singing and making sculptures)!

This article also reminds me that nude stockings are always In. But according to other parts of the site, Obama definitely isn't.

(Nice Fish-Eye effect #ILOVETHE90S).

Poor lil 'Bama, seems he's not too popular. I wonder what is?

Obviously.

Ok do Russian men actually look like this? What am I doing here?

what to do if your coffee bear spills

2011-11-02T16:25:00.002+01:00

So just when I thought things couldn't get worse I spill coffee all over my laptop.

My Macbook and I have been together forever and we're very deeply in love so yall can imagine how much this hurts me-not to mention I've got my whole life on there-everything from my Writing to FB Chat Blackmail Screenshots to PhotoBooth Pix of My Nails!

Now I'm using a huge old-school Mac my Mom gave me when she upgraded to an iPad5000 or whatever but it's so heavy I basically need to call a limousine just to bring it anywhere and the screen is so big I'm afraid to use it in public via people seeing me stalking their boyfriends or researching if someone's finally invented zero calorie mayo yet! I really need my Macbook back but no matter how hard I Rice It it still doesn't turn on! My Mom suggested I get Professional Help so of course I opened Google. "What to do if you spill coffee on your laptop" should give me solutions, right?

Like are these legit questions? I can answer them for yall: 1) Gold Teeth 2) Blog it 3) Yell,"Fat!" 4) Twitpic it. Jeez, people! Moving on:

What to do if YOUR bored? How about learn some grammar? #LOLZ! No but seriously, I had to check that last one out and actually found a great video:

And after doing everything on their list I continued:

Wait-what DO you do if you spill coffee on your shirt? I don't really wear shirts but if I did I'd like to know!! Click on it!

Now I think I am having a seizure-who still uses fluorescent lights? Where was that advice again?

Am I the only one who expected this to turn into a porno?

Someone please help me out.

PS- HELP ME, 911

2011-10-31T16:49:00.000+01:00

A friend told me the other day that my blog looks "too cheap" and I think he might be right. I mean, I want it to look cheap in a chic way, not "a 9 year old made it" way, unless that 9 year old is Tavi. Can someone please help me? How can I make Crumpets more Chanel? Are any of you good at this kind of thing? Should I also change my banner? Replace the background with pictures of him? :

Help me guys please!!!

wifi cats and boyfriends

2011-10-31T16:28:00.000+01:00

So basically tonight I'm a cat.

The people at work decided to wait till 5 am this morning to inform me that tonight I need to wear a costume so I had like five minutes to find something. I actually think this is pretty chic though, I might make the cardboard part into a mask. I would model it for yall but I don't really wanna get kicked out of California Bakery for indecent exposure and no, I can't take pix at home because home I have no more internet! Can yall imagine? Obviously I forgot to renew my contract so I'll probz be without it all month. Which is actually kind of exciting because it means I will spend less time stalking people online and more time doing it For Real.

Also I think being disconnected will make me more attractive. Ignorance really is bliss! Like, last night I went on a date with a boy (a real one-I know) who was shocked I don't know anything about The World Wars or where Africa is or whatever but meanwhile he's never even heard of David Bowie or the Clash or F'ing Bob Dylan!

"Is he an Actor?"

"Are you stupid?"

"Well you don't know when America was discovered and you're American!"

"Why the HELL would I wanna know that? Anyway in High School I was too busy being cool to learn."

"Being cool?"

"Yeah, like, skipping class and going to concerts and stuff."

"I've never been to a concert."

The thing is, because we both seem so Dumb to each other, we fell completely in love. I mean he's basically the Man Of My Dreams and he's probably proposing later this week.

PREGNANCY TIPS 2012

2011-10-28T16:04:00.001+02:00

So basically everybody is pregnant now. Like at least a billion of my friends are knocked-up. Which is cool because that makes me the "skinny one" but it's also kinda annoying when they want help. A very close GF I used to live with in NC kept calling me this summer asking for advice on how to get through being pregnant without falling into a deep dark depression or whatever and all I could say was "Abortion Clinic." I mean. As far as I'm concerned my Uterus's only purpose is to make me moody, cramped, eventually induce hot-flashes and hopefully stay as empty as Berlusconi's conscience forever.

Anyways-being sooo far behind in gossip via deciding to stop reading Perezhilton (he's a Bully), I only NOW saw Beyonce's new Trailer-Trash Music Video. And I have to say it's brilliant. Not only is it full of mayj new makeup and hair trends, it's also ~bursting~ with Beyonce's step-by-step rules for a ~~Healthy~~ Famouz Pregnancy:

PREGNANCY TIPS 2012: THE BEYONCE BABY

1) MORAL SUPPORT

Being preggers means needing someone to tie your shoes for you because your ankles are swollen and so are you so you actually can't even see your feet. You need someone you can trust-someone who won't judge you-someone like a Drug-Dealing Gang$ter.

2) PREPARATION

Get familiar with toxic toys and mostly how they taste. The family that poisons together stays together.

3) SAFETY

Keep your fetus as close to open flames and large bodies of water as possible.

4) NUTRITION

I mean basically anything orange is full of Vitamin C.

5) FITNESS

Tone your butt by doing squats against a moving stolen car.

6) PREVENTION

Keep morning-sickness under control by living on your toilet.

7) HEALTH

Because if you get wasted enough you'll forget all about it.

RIP Finalcut

2011-10-27T18:11:00.001+02:00

So in light of (dark of?) working this weekend/monday Filip and I celebrated Halloween yesterday via buying the most ~expensive~ pink Tavernello, going to an Art Exibition to stalk a professor I'm maybe in love with and then to a bar to stalk a Romanian guy I'm kind of in love with too. The bar is called "Planet 50," and it's basically a mix of the "Oops I Did It Again" video and S.A.R.S. They serve little cardboard squares of pizza and think it's really embarrassing when a cute blonde Croatian girl is dancing and leans on something and actually somehow falls and takes half of the bar down with her? Whatever. We couldn't afford costumes so we just went as Craigslist Ads. Also we wanted to watch Scary Movies but I spent any time we had around computers trying to figure out why FinalCut sucks so much more than iMovie. I'm literally never using it again.

Happy Halloween, Yall. I hope you have lots of fun but please don't tell me if you do because I will be jealz and de-friend you.

HALLOWEEN PRISONER APOCALYPSE 2012

2011-10-25T16:06:00.002+02:00

So I just found out I'm working all Halloween Weekend + Halloween Night which is great because I'll avoid whatever terrible parties I would have let myself be dragged to and will earn money instead of spending it all on candy and candy-flavored liquor but also it's totally depressing because that means I probably won't bother with a costume. And if I do, it will be this:

(Actually it probably will be, considering where I work)

rosemary's blogger

2011-10-24T16:34:00.003+02:00

I feel like I've been neglecting Crumpets lately because I have but It's just that I have so much crap to do now like make videos for school, write articles about sex, watch Two Broke Girls, experiment with instant noodles and work at my "New Job" all while wearing underwear as clothes and trying to choose the perfect Halloween Costume! It's pretty exhausting, honestly. I'll have some fun stuff to share with yall soon but meanwhile if you've ever wondered what I look like when I walk in a straight line towards a camera while wearing a fur hat in different places in Milan, here's this: